Still Chaos

Memory of Motion and Other Musings

2011-09-10T10:06:00.002-05:00

I just finished mopping. I know it's a glamorous life I lead here in the Heartland of America. But the repetitive motion took me back to sweeping out the barn. Late nights in High School just sweeping and sweeping and sweeping. Hearing horses clearing their nasal passages as the dust from their feed buckets got in their throats. The swish, swish, swish as they moved about in their shaving-laden stalls. That was peace. It truly was. I didn't have so many boyfriends in High School. I had my horse Abi. He was worth that. Truly. Miss him so.

Also, I learned something about myself last night at the gun range.. Quite possibly I'm a Texan who doesn't care for guns. Target practice, yes. Shooting guns at targets that look like people no. Am I becoming a liberal in my old age? I discovered that yes, I want to be familiar with a gun...yes, I get if there's an intruder you need to shoot to kill and your first shot better be the 'the one'...I knew this clearly from oh, about 5th grade. When you have a father that's a fire fighter and a registered peace officer you know these things...but now that I'm 35 nearing 36, I've decided that to me there's two kinds of 'gun people' and I know I'm generalizing...those that truly love it for the sport and those like the two guys in the stall next to us with the semi-automatic handgun that were really just playing 'gangsta'.

I also discovered...I prefer shooting outdoors with people I know and people I know KNOW how to handle guns. This standing next to Joe Blow who may have a safe weapon and may know how to use it...uh, too much for this safety anxious girl. The key word in the previous sentence is MAY.

Also the footage of people shooting at mannequins with watermelons for heads...that imagery just didn't fit in my world. Why would I want to see that? Why would I need to do that? If you're in a situation where you need to experience that kind of imagery to purchase a particular brand of bullets, I'd be pretty interested to know what line of work you're in.

Maybe I lead a sheltered life. The older I get the less I enjoy any concept of violence. Yep...something new I learned about myself.

As a result of the aforementioned, I wandered over to the archery section. Now there's something I really could get back into. Yeah, they've got all the toys in the world for archery. But I'm just gonna dig out my old long bow and get a bale of hay (if I can find one, we're in a drought for heaven's sake). A few paper targets...and it's right back to High School and memory lane again. Thank the Lord above we did not have smart phones, texting, Facebook or Twitter in High School. See what I would have missed out on?

So memory lane is in the air. What a rich childhood I had. And oh, how it's the little things like a repetitive motion or going out to do something with friends that can bring all that back. I daresay...I'm a sentimental fool. And frankly, I'm proud of it.

Chapter 1, Page 1

2011-09-02T13:43:00.000-05:00

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

— Shauna Niequist

So this quote comes up from a friend. I love it! It's exactly where we are. I think R and I are hitting this stage in our lives early. My Mom always told me in your 40s you'll start to re-evaluate your life and learn to just do what you feel right rather than taking everyone else's take on stuff. And so here we are. More convos on downsizing and re-aligning what we're chasing and where our priorities are.

It's peaceful. After eating at our favorite Hole in the Wall Mexican restaurant the other night...R said, I think really if I could just downsize, simplify, live smaller, plant a garden...I could be happy with where I am. Making what I do, doing what I am...what, we want to travel? That's it. We don't need the toys, the big house, all that...just kiddos going to private school and decent cars to drive...who cares about the rest, you know? I agreed, after all a trip just costs that one time, there's no maintenance cost to it, you plan it, you pay for it and then you're done. Not all that upkeep that the toys and the big house demands.

I slept better than I had in months just thinking about that and hearing R say he could be settled and content with that.

I'm reading a new set of books now. Weird by Craig Groeschel, Little House on the Freeway by Kimmel and Grace Walk by McVey. I feel a new chapter coming in this year...my word was content for this year and contented is what I'm resting in.

Recently, God put a lady in my life who when I expressed my spiritual depression over Chan and Platt's books...who encouraged me as she had just read them. She said you know, I think those books are great for really waking you up to how you're living. She agreed they were a little over board with their works versus grace approach and encouraged me to take the message and be aware of my life. But not to take it to excess and paralyze myself in the season I'm in. I am in a season that can look very inwardly focused...but right now, I am fueling the future as I grow my family and raise them up as arrows in my quiver (As my Dad used to put it or still does).

But a new chapter has started...the boys are in school all day now. I miss them terribly but I see where grad school and another career are waiting in the wings and I'm not feeling as guilty about the joy I feel over that possibility as I did in the beginning....because in a few years, I'll be ready and equipped to take hold of that dream and they'll be doing what they do each day...and less dependent on me as they do it. Heck, they may already be there...it's hard to tell. C really seems to be just chugging along as we go. He loves it! And E is falling into his routine like a champ. I'm so glad we stretched ourselves and sprung for private school, it's like home and the people really are like family.

So this school year as it starts is ushering in so much and I see the big picture sort of starting to gel as we enter this next phase of life. No longer is it changing diapers and nap times, no longer is it learning to talk, walk and the like. I miss those times. I sit here with eyes filled with tears thinking of how it's already passed me by but I welcome with open arms this next time in our life. There's so much still to explore and learn together and teach as we go along...I am contented. Truly.

CJ and Me

2011-07-22T10:33:00.001-05:00

Today marks 2 years without CJ. Being my roommate, I sort of feel a hole in my memories now at college. When I think of OBU, I think of CJ. We lived together 3 out of our 4 years there. We were instant best friends. We only fought one time that I can think of and now that I think about it, she was probably right.

Cindy went to OBU to be a pastor. She was Lutheran and they allowed that at her church ;). Of course, those good ole Southern Baptist Boys gave her a run for her money and she ultimately changed majors. I wish she hadn't.

Cindy had the biggest heart. Huge, in fact. She always had time for others. She always had time to give and something to add. I think she learned her encouraging side from her mother who incessantly filled my mail box at OBU with notes, letters, stickers and little tokens of love. Jane was the best at making you feel loved when so far away from home.

Cindy and spent a lot of time talking about boys and life and our dreams after college. We spent many late nights rambling around Shawnee. Most of my memories of hanging out and staying up, studying and living life are wrapped around her.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of her passing. It still shocks me to the core that she's gone. Although I know it's bittersweet to lose her, I can't help but think how happy she must be right now. Those of us left behind aren't any where near being that happy and never will be here on this little planet.

So today I hope to stop and think about how short and sweet life is. She'll always be there in my heart and she'll always be the one who stood by me those four years. I miss you CJ. I do.

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver

2011-07-19T07:22:00.001-05:00

An excerpt:

"Shepherd, my friend. This month, in certain quarters, people are burning the Graphic Survey because it contains a picture story on life in Russia. Photographs of farms. Windmills, whatever they have on farms. Russian cows. This incites people to bonfires."

"What do you think is frightening them?"

"Hearst news. If the paper says everyone this season will be wearing a Lilly Dache' hat that resembles an armadillo, they will purchase the hat. If Hearst tells them to be afraid of Russia, they will buy that too."

"If the hat is too ridiculous, not everyone buys it."

Artie finally ashed his cigarette, then paused to light a new one from the old, which he left burning in the ashtray, presumably for ambiance. He reorganized his S-shaped body into a thoughtful pose against the desk. "Do you want to know my theory?"

"Of course."

"I think it's the bomb."

"People are afraid of the bomb?"

"Yes, I believe that is the heart of the matter. When that bomb went off over Japan, when we saw that an entire city could be turned to fire and gas, it changed the psychology of this country. And when I say 'psychology,' I mean that very literally. It's the radio, you see. The radio makes everyone feel the same thing at the same time. Instead of millions of various thoughts, one big psychological fixation. The radio commands our gut response. Are you following me?"

This particular paragraph from this 507 paged book has stuck with me over the last few days. It really makes me want to turn off my TV.

After reading this book I am taken aback by a lot of what history had to offer during this time period. For the thinking man or woman in America, it had to be a very confusing time. Not that right now is particularly clear either.

But oh how things changed as media emerged. Fascinating, fascinating.

My Nightmare

2011-07-18T10:09:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that I arrived to my first grad class and had not a clue what was going on. Not only did the material not appear to have anything to do with Guidance and School Counseling but I did not have the required materials. I was in a panic. Total panic. Then I got an assignment back and I had only done one out of the required ten pages of writing. I was floored and in deep despair.

This may not sound like a normal nightmare to some people but to me it was absolute panic when I awoke. I thought to myself, what if I don't have what it takes to pull this off now that I'm 35? What if I can't keep up with the younger people, what if I'm lost in this class and what if I don't make good grades?

But now that I'm fully awake with coffee in hand, I've calmed down. It's going to be okay and if I don't know something I'll find a way around it. Right? Right.

I loved grad school when I attended last and hopefully time I'll stick around long enough to finish. Wink wink! R would not be smiling if he caught me saying that. But heck, I can't help it, I was ready to have children and the timing was just off last time. So sue me. :)

Discombobulated

2011-07-15T12:18:00.002-05:00

Okay, these pics are mostly in order of occurrence...well, sort of. It's been a jumbled several weeks, but here's the skinny. We spent a lot and I mean a lot of time with Aunt BB and the cousins.

E's first year to light his own fireworks, if he wasn't lighting them, he was blowing up the ones he'd already lit...this was extreme fun!

An errant paratrooper landed on the lake house on fire, luckily he chose a spot where L could get to him and douse him with water! Whew!

The twins, they hid mostly behind the glass door, but on occasion chose to run out and do a sparkler!

W was in love with this rocket. He actually took it back inside so we couldn't light it, but we found it and his response upon it taking off..."Wow!"

Here is L and I at local fireworks...this was the best pic of the bunch...we are goofing off of course and I have a severe sunburn...the mark of a good time!

Our final project at the lake house...L and I spent two weeks up there, mostly L doing the work but this was my main contribution. We hunted those plates down at various locations one of which I swear belonged to a hoarder in Grove...I kid you not. It was a bit scary.

Lake Thunderbird...the wind was so high it was like being at the beach.

Smo's (yes, Smo's, not Smores) in L's backyard

W at the Jenks Aquarium, we found Nemo

W with shoes in place, Lake Thunderbird

The Twins

Being The Twins

June (and the first part of July) has been a whirlwind of activity. We did go to Branson but the trip was book-ended (did I just make up new terminology) with trips to Grand Lake and then a little local fun at Lake Thunderbird.

L and I had a blast taking the kiddos on these little excursions. We work quite well as a team. When on our own she takes the morning and I take the evening. I sleep late, she goes to bed earlier. I cook dinner, she handles breakfast. Man, what a team!

One thing I hope as I look back on June/July of this year is that our kids have wonderful memories to recall some day of their childhoods. L and I were reliving some of our favorite summer memories that centered around fireworks, the water and traveling with our Mom and Aunt Nancy. They've burned happiness and joy into our childhood memories. We hope we've added some more to our childrens' lives this year.

I feel so blessed and at times am so overwhelmed with the gift of L living close by and our children getting to grow up together. So many of their memories are wrapped around each other. God is so good to us.

Steal Your Dollar

2011-07-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

C driving the Duck aka DUCX

Captain E

Duckies

Ready for Silver Dollar City

The Lost Mine, this is very serious for R and he did score the highest

S and the kiddos...ready, aim, fire!

C and Z first coaster...C was hooked afterwards!

We got to go to Branson this year on a last minute trip with some of our good friends....what a blast! Silver Dollar City was the highlight...the two 5 year olds out of the bunch got their first taste of roller coasters. C is now officially hooked!

We played at an indoor water park, visited the fish hatchery and the dam, rode the Ducks, and did Silver Dollar City two days! The big boys went fly fishing for a couple of days and had a blast!

What a treasure we have with this family...they are very special friends and our boys do so well together. It was a wonderful time had by all!

Bucket List

2011-07-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

The four of us bravely entering Finland

Well, this particular photo is the only one I caught this weekend. I finally did something that's been on my Bucket List. I went to Buffett!!!

Now granted, I had actually just planned to tail gate with my friends...but lo and behold the Buffett spirit granted me a free ticket to the concert! (Actually, a good friend arranged it but still I didn't know at the time)

We had a great time although the absolute craziness that ensued in this massive parking lot due to alcohol and the general "Margaritaville" attitude you found made this one visit probably enough to last a life time.

But that's okay...I got to sing with Buffett and truly enjoy the music I grew up on. He sang several of his older songs which I found I still knew every word to. At times I was the only one singing near me...guess I was sitting with some Johnny Come Lately fans. ;)

Back to Blogging....May 2011

2011-07-15T11:48:00.001-05:00

C's graduation rehearsal

E's Baptism

Me and Elefante camping

The Tent

I haven't blogged in a long while and I really miss it I've decided. Plus, the days are floating past with no record of what's been done with them.

Some day I hope to publish all these blog entries as a journal to hold in my hands or for my children to hold in theirs. Until such time, I really need to stay on course documenting what's been going on with us.

I've really fallen down on the job. So short entries of just daily comings and goings are a must.

Sometimes I wax poetic on here but having nothing profound to say shouldn't stop me.

Above you'll find pictures from the end of May of this year. C graduated from Pre-Kindergarten and we couldn't have been prouder. He made such good memories this year. His teacher, Mrs. Robin, was absolutely wonderful. I was able to help out every Friday and see him in action. I also got to know Mrs. Robin fairly well and what a treasure she is! C seemed to really enjoy school and became quite good friends with Mrs. Robin's grand nephew, Sam. They were inseparable!

E was baptized Memorial Day weekend. R and I were extremely proud of him. He did such a great job in front of everyone and was very adamant that he wanted to do this. He actually accepted Christ at an earlier age in my opinion but we waited until we felt confident he understood what he was doing. We are so blessed to not only call him our son but now our brother in Christ. Hallelujah!

We celebrated by going camping. Still my least favorite thing in the world to do. Once again, I ended up using the restroom outside in the middle of the night and not sleeping a wink due to the noise of the wind and in my opinion unsuitable lodging. I just can't help it...it's not my thing. Sure I love the cook out, sure I love being outside...but can't we just go home and sleep in our houses with beds and plumbing afterwards???

I baby sat Elefante (C's doll) while they set up the tent...the four of them managed quite well if you ask me.

Now that's love...

2011-04-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

I recently watched a movie about Queen Victoria. It covered the first few years of her reign. What struck me most was her love of Albert. He died at 42 of typhoid. They had been married 20 years. She passed away at 81. Every day from his death on she had his clothes laid out each morning. What a beautiful expression of love.

A Paradigm Shift in the Household

2011-03-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

Radical and Crazy Love were enough to send me into what seems like at least a year's worth of spiritual depression. Especially with Platt, things got dicey and I've been forever changed on my outlook. Back after reading Radical, I prayed a simple prayer. Lord, change my heart as you see fit. And slowly life has shifted, the colors have changed and I see, yes, there is a greater purpose in salvation. Following Christ does require a shift in our mindset, our lifestyle, our viewpoint.

It's been hard. Very hard. Having grown up an American Christian and having heard the chant of our culture that more will make you happy since I was born...it's been hard to see that actually less is the answer. Giving it away is the solution and pouring myself out is what is required.

No one talks about this in the churches I've attended. No one talks about really realigning your focus from getting to giving. No one questions what car one drives, the house one lives in, the purse one carries or the amount of money they spend on simply clothing, housing and providing for themselves. No one talks about how Jesus says to forsake all this and focus on His work, His people. I've never heard discussion about what the money one spends on one's desires could be used for other than fulfilling fleshly desires.

It's devastating to think that no one really seems to have pushed this idea into my head until I read Platt. Platt I feel is a bit extreme. He's a bit narrowly focused but all in all, he has a point. The American church for the most part, by and large, has it all wrong. We focus on buildings and programs and a lot of time working to make our services seem hip and happening so we can pack them in by the droves...

I'm not saying that churches in America aren't generous or completely focused in the wrong direction, there is a lot of good being done and there are many hands serving but in some ways, they've still missed the point. He has that right.

So as this shift is happening in my heart suddenly, R has an epiphany. And that epiphany cost me many tears and anguish yet my heart was ready even though my mind was not. Over the months though, I have come to rest in his plan and idea.

Rather than go for the 'it' house that so many we know are purchasing and rather than strapping ourselves with the car payments to match, we're heading the other direction.

The other direction contains one element that really sent me over the edge though. I think even David Platt might call it "Radical". We're moving into our rent house. Eight hundred square foot rent house. Yes, one-third the size of what we're living in now.

We're selling our 4 year project, sacrificing it on the altar. Even R said it had become an idol. So many people have looked at me like I'm crazy when I've announced the path we're on. So many have questioned why we would spend all this time doing all the remodeling, all the blood, sweat and tears only to turn around and sell it and move to something of that size. It makes no sense but we feel called to do it.

R wants a fresh start, a clean slate, low-budget living.

It'll be for a year and we do plan to build a modest sized home during that time period. But we have determined to get small and stay small. Our focus is not the square footage anymore. Bigger is not better. Smaller will allow us to be freed up to have funds to use for God and to do things we are more interested in doing rather than paying for a house. It will take the pressure off and allow us to provide our children with better opportunities and take our family in another direction financially.

It's not going to be easy but I've decided to look at it as a vacation from housework. How hard can it be to keep 800 square feet clean? I'm hoping not very. I'm also looking at it as a chance to grow closer as a family. It'll free up funds and who knows where God will take us with that. I dream of being able to give a sizable amount from the sale of our current home to Him to use somewhere in a huge way in the world. You just never know. I don't know where we're going really but I know He's called us to leave our comfort zone for this season.

I don't imagine we'll ever go back to a large home, never live anything like we currently are. I can see now my priorities are not the same. I don't feel the same about our 'nest' that I did six months ago. I want to be freed.

What's new with you...

2010-11-22T15:41:00.000-06:00

Just a snippet to say...the HOARD is getting dispersed. We have started to actually go through all our junk we had in storage and then our garage and now....I see why I love the show HOARDERS. So much.

I'm a sentimental hoarder. Knowing is half the battle. Giving it away and letting go is the second.

What I'm most struck by is the amount of junk. What I'm most upset about is how American I am. And lastly...what is most joyous to me is realizing...uh, stuff doesn't make you happy and you don't need most of it, heck I don't even want most of it.

I let go of the VW Bugs collection I've had since high school. I want the real thing.

I let go of all the kids' baby toys...they're too old and someone else can enjoy them.

I'm even letting go of my horse books. Oh and there are many, many.

What I'm not letting go of are pictures. Nope. Not gonna do it. So much of this stuff is from college and my old room at home. It's amazing what memories are conjured up. The good and the bad and well, the sad. But I'm sifting and getting my house in order.

We're also really starting to get the house close to being 'done' done. You know, like have people over and just celebrate done...we're not 'there' there but we're so close I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

I'll post some pics in a follow up post. For now, I must become more productive and clean up and stuff...Thanksgiving is upon us and well, I'm hosting for half of it! ;)

I don't want to be this parent...but, well, I am...

2010-09-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

So maybe living a little RADICAL (I am by no means there yet...may never reach it, but getting closer)....has rubbed off on my little man, E.

The other day in the car we had our usual random conversations about school...and life and things he 'needs to know'.

Let me back up a moment...recently we have been begging for a DS...Nintendo DS that is. They're $120 plus and with his recent birthday money, he wants to buy one...Daddy says no. Mommy was on the fence...and then I explained that what it would cost to buy this 'toy' would feed 3 children for a month through Compassion International. I told him, it's not bad to want nice things, it's not even bad to have nice things...but you have to think about what you do with your money. I want him to have perspective.

I realize it's his birthday money, his blow money and we have added the DS to the Christmas list as my husband is a STRONG believer in delayed gratification and teaching our children that since we live in a culture that whips out the credit card for the "NOW" factor...but that being said, the request has been delayed in being answered and E has had time to think.

So a few weeks pass...

Yesterday, he asks me how much we give each month to the kids we 'adopted'. I clarified...we 'sponsor'. I explained and he then said...I'd like to give some of my money to them. I was blown away...downright proud and well, it was beyond words the feeling...to see in my child a heart that wants to give to those in need on his own...was well, AMAZING!

So we have decided he can give them extra monies for their birthdays this year...he's looking forward to the first child's birthday that is coming up in October. He smiled so big when I told him we could. It melted my heart.

No mention of the DS since. But I'm sure it'll resurface...and you know what, that's fine. He's only 7.

On a Less Serious Note

2010-08-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

So...I've been pretty serious on this blog lately with Radical and what not and I'm still taking that all in one day at a time...matter of fact our small group will be tackling this profound book together this Fall. I am looking forward to it immensely...because misery loves company! No...because I need others to flesh this out for me...to take it apart bit by bit and step back. I'm particularly looking forward to the perspective of one of our members who just came back from Jordan on a mission trip. He's already got a fire in his belly over the American church so I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to see his reaction to it.

But in the mean time, I've neglected telling you about family life around here. So I'm going to do a little catching up. We are still currently working on the house...the neverending, blood, sweat and tears committment that we've gotten ourselves into is STILL in process. Bless R's heart and mine for not exploding over it...we're gonna get there. We just got all the new windows in or rather R got all the new windows in...

And here is our completed dining room with the new chandelier a la Lowe's...this isn't my forever house so I thought it was good enough....

It's cute and it works so that works for me.

The longer we work on this house, the longer I add time to staying in it because frankly I may need a five year break before we do something else...I'd really like to stay here at least another 3 years before we move so Caleb can be right by the schools.

Which leads me to my next subject...my Baby's going to 1st grade! We decided to move him to a private Christian school and with that has come all the rigamaroo which will certainly prove worth it in the end...but it has also made me realize his time home with me is over! Now the majority of his days will be filled with influence from the outside world. Libs has done her best to remind me how much I loved school and what an exciting time this is for him but I can't help but become teary eyed over it. Let's see how she handles it here in a few years!

Mr. C is thoroughly thrilled to be going to Pre-K this year...he has already picked out a back pack, labeled his school supplie and made plans for hitting the pavement to school. He's really too cute and so excited to be able to join in.

This summer has been filled with the pool, friends and just time hanging out. We haven't really done anything spectacular or taken a trip as we are saving up for skiing in Angel Fire this upcoming winter. But the boys have gotten to play non-stop with their friends and enjoy sleeping in and staying up late.

Since the weather got intolerably hot, we have resorted to playing Wii together and just hanging out inside. We have gone to see a few movies. Toy Story 3 was my first 3D experience...and it was a really good movie to boot. As the summer winds down, we will be having a 'stay-cation' in OKC at a hotel with a kid-cool pool with friends of ours and hitting White Water Bay (yes, I'm so excited...). I cannot believe summer is coming to a close.

Ethan's Tball pic for this year

The boys at Tball Award Ceremony

Father's Day at Tinker AFB

The Boys with Papa D and 1st place

Practically Speaking

2010-07-19T11:44:00.000-05:00

So I've finished Radical and will need to read it again. There's too much there to wrap your mind around.

First thing I see happening is I'm so horribly upset with the American Church and how we spend the majority of our time asking God to this or that for US. How dare we!

Matter of fact, I've started to see just how much we focus on US and what He's doing for our lives, our families...etc. He's not SANTA CLAUS!

It seems to me we spend an unbalanced amount of time going to Jesus like He's our soothsayer, our guru for our lives...how do I proceed here? What about this?

I can't stand it.

I can't even pray anything for myself anymore. When we're at a crossroads on things, I simply ask that He just do what He will and we'll just deal with what He graciously decides for our lives.

It's a new way of praying for me. I just simply tell Him, it's fine with me whether we do this or go there or not. I just want to be a vessel. Your love is sufficient for me and mine.

I do still pray for my children and my family. I do still pray for the world and those around us that are suffering. I pray for the now 3 children I am sponsoring through Compassion International. I pray for Rick and his leadership of our family. I pray to continue to be sensitive to the over abundance that I live in on a day to day basis and I pray I can instill in my children a wide-eyed awareness of this and instruct them how we have to give, we are called to give and give we will.

Recently, I had a convo with E on some sort of gadget he wanted that so and so had...and we didn't.

I took that moment and told him, you know, the world has a lot to offer and compared to most of the people living here, we have a lot of it already...we don't NEED that thing. That thing will cost money we could spend helping someone else that doesn't have it so good. He looked perplexed but he seemed to comprehend. This is just the start of it...

So life is still altered by this information. This new awakening of the truth of the Christian life. I try so hard not to be offended when I see other believers living a misguided life striving after the wrong things...I know it's a long road ahead of me and much more detox will need to be had. The balance is hard to find between just living in a box and living with just enough and giving the rest away in some sort of fashion.

I am still begging God to show me every day where to start, what to do and how to be. I do desire that He keep me aware and my eyes open...I never want to be in the dark again.

I'm striving to really see what have I done for Him lately? If you love someone, you show them...do I show Him that regularly? I can say emphatically...right now, no I haven't.

Back to Square One

2010-06-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

Began reading David Platt's book entitled Radical today. Four chapters in and I found myself choked up and on the verge of tears plenty of times.

I am afraid to admit were Jesus to turn to me and say the things he did to the masses at times...I may be one that walked away. I truly might have had I realized how hard it is to follow Him.

As a child it was never presented to me in this fashion. As an adult I cannot deny it is part of the equation.

I'm bumfuzzled to put it mildly. I am depressed to put it melodramatically.

I am daring to ask that He raise a Holy Passion in me to do His will for my life. I am seeking a focus so that I don't feel so scattered and can take action. Which cause should I delve into? There's so many. Yet I can hear myself saying...it's not supposed to be this hard. But when faced with such an enormous black hole in my faith...what more can I do?

I dare you to read this book and not be shaken.

Bigger Look

2010-06-11T07:48:00.000-05:00

I've given myself over to researching commentaries on Luke 14. I've found many of them quite helpful. I have also stumbled upon some insights and other resources discussing possessions in relation to our walk as disciples. These have also helped me to see more clearly how we are to treat our possessions.

Here is one link that was particularly good:

http://library.generousgiving.org/articles/display.asp?id=194

Here are some others:

http://bible.org/seriespage/how-hate-your-wife-luke-1425-35

http://www.pbc.org/files/messages/8571/4260.html

These commentaries point out that we are to hold all we have with open hands for Christ's bidding.

My deepest struggle has been what to do with what I have. Do I just up and give it all away?

I see a bigger picture here. Even those living at the lowest end of incomes in this country are exponentially 'richer' than most of the world. Just having been born in the USA gives one infinitely more wealth than others elsewhere. This isn't about becoming impoverished for Him. It's about having a proper perspective. Not serving our possessions, not being mastered by the almighty dollar and about using what we DO HAVE to further the gospel, love others, serve others, feed and clothe others.

I think my greatest revelation in all of this is seeing finally through His eyes how I've used my possessions or NOT used my possessions and wealth for Him. How I've clung to them as comfort, peace, happiness (although fleeting) and used them to fill myself up many times.

It's time to let go of that. As I've said prior my eyes have been opened and it's time to seek what He would have me do.

Of course, first of all, and as Rick also is feeling called, we will learn to live 'smaller' so we can give more. I'm still working on practicing this even before we have taken a step towards a smaller house, etc. I'm still learning to see how much we do have...lying in bed thanking Him for every piece of my life. I'm more thankful than I've been in years just seeing my life through this lens.

I'm also working on finding something or somewhere I can serve regularly and that my children can serve. Not just church...outside of that...somewhere where we are not 'blessing the blessed' and 'serving the saved' so to speak (from Jen Hatmaker).

I'm really working on considering how to do this, how to accomplish this shift so that it's a permanent one...I don't want to be like the men in Luke 14:28-32.

This change needs to be solid.

Dances with Wolves...only worse

2010-06-09T18:46:00.001-05:00

If you've ever seen Dances with Wolves or Amistad...you know the reaction you have when you leave the movie theatre. You hate yourself. The depth of the pain caused and the fact that my people group committed the atrocities seen and lived...it literally drove me to tears.

But facing what scripture has to say and listening to others on this journey has been far worse. I've sort of found myself in a funk. What are we doing?

My little Sis is overjoyed, relieved she tells me to find this truth and clings to it to the point of what I call complete abandon and commitment. I sit back and say...Wow. I've missed it this whole time. Am I even a Follower of Christ?

I go back over my life and I see all the times I strove for the American Dream, missing the boat completely on what should be my true calling in life. I even discount my time served with Child Welfare...I mean, that was absolutely serving the poor, needy, helpless...but currently, being a stay at home Mom, am I still fulfilling that call on my life? I question it constantly.

Over the last month or so I've beat myself up to point that I can't even enjoy my $35 bottle of Origins face cream, Have a Nice Day...granted it was a gift but this cost more than what about a billion people live on in a month. I've felt bad for having a bed to sleep in, access to clean water, a nice house, a car, food to eat and waste, TV to enjoy, time to relax, piddle, think, play...

Speaking of TV, TV has made me sick. Sick, sick, sick seeing people do house hunting for their vacation home in the Virgin Islands used to be entertaining...now all I can think of is how that money could be used to drill wells for those that need clean water or to feed thousands of children in the world that will die today of starvation.

I can't even thumb through a magazine. We worry about how to "organize" our lives or what sports bra is the best, how to eat "light" or what running shoe offers the best performance. What's the latest fashion? What's the latest music? I just can't get anything else in my mind other than how much we have...too much.

I have gone to God over and over and over now and said what do I do with this? How do I change now? Immediately. What about my kids? My family I have been entrusted with?

The latest sermon I watched with David Platt was extremely disturbing and I wish I had a schooled theologian I could go to and discuss the subject with. He talks about putting yourself in harm's way (literally) for the gospel. I can't understand this. I know there are those that do that...but if I do that, I'm potentially leaving children motherless.

Forsake all it says. Forsake everything. It's unnerving for me.

Yesterday though, God said to me...I'm not condemning you. At least I thought that's what I heard him say. I can't be sure anymore...yes, I question even that. But I feel like I felt him say that my eyes were now open, I could no longer deny the truth of what he asked. The two things central to the message: 1. Spread the gospel 2. Care for the poor. He wanted me to come to him so he could show me. So I guess in a sense, it's time to get my jaw off the floor, stop convicting myself at every turn and start listening....

I guess part of me just wants a laundry list of what to do rather than to stop and fall at His feet over it. It'd be easier to just start on something rather than stop and really see what it is He wants from me.

But that's exactly what He's asking me to do and so today I started something new. Rather than feeling bad over the blessed life I live, I'm going to be the most thankful person I know...today I thanked God for groceries, children that were not bound to hospital beds, air conditioning, traffic lights, friends that listen and everything in between. I came to Him each time and said, thank you, thank you, thank you for each thing I felt bad for having or being able to do and I asked over and over...show me what to do...I'm here and I want so desperately to obey you. Show me, show me, show me.

Part of me wonders...am I already doing some of it? I just feel unsure about everything.

This has been harder than I expected and R swears I'm making it more complicated than it has to be. But I'm the over analytical type.

So that's where I am on my journey. Seeking. Stopping. Listening and doing my best not to turn a blind eye.

For God is in you, giving you the DESIRE and the POWER to do what pleases Him.

Phil 2:13

This is so very hard, Folks. I've spent my whole life seeking Him yet missing what He was asking. So much of what we do in church is consider how He can change life for us, or what He can do for us...I feel so selfish in having sought him for comfort for so long, never turning and seeing that He wanted me to be and provide comfort for others once I was 'full on Him'.

My Blind Spot

2010-05-26T09:16:00.002-05:00

Our journey started several months ago. Rick came to me with the idea that we downsize. That we lived in too much abundance and life needed to be simpler.

I signed up for that mentality and so right now we seek to finish our monstrosity of a house project and then sell it.

After that we would move into a house much smaller...probably about 1000 square feet smaller and we'd in turn, live smaller.

Another layer was added when I started to read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.

Then another layer when I heard Jen Hatmaker speak.

And still yet another layer when my sister introduced me to the Radical movement that David Platt is leading.

This isn't going to be comfortable. But it's truth. I have a blind spot.

I urge you to watch this...pray over this.

David Platt - RADICAL (1st video in series)

Contentedness....

2010-04-26T10:38:00.001-05:00

Guide to Contented living

The famed German writer Goethe offered a list of nine requisites for contented living. They are as timely now as they were when he wrote them 200 years ago.

Health enough to make work a pleasure.
Wealth enough to support your needs.
Strength enough to battle with difficulties and overcome them.
Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them.
Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished.
Charity enough to see some good in your neighbor.
Love enough to move you to be useful to others.
Faith enough to make the real things of God.
Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future.

Goethe showed wisdom in these thoughts, perhaps especially in the use of the word “enough”. Often we seek something more, when contentment could come with gratitude for having enough.

There is great gain in godliness with contentment; for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. – (1 Timothy 6:6-7)

“Grace me with contentment , Jesus, for after all I do have everything in You. ”
- written by Fr. John Catoir

Read more at http://www.turnbacktogod.com/9-requisites-for-contented-living/#ixzz0mDiO7R8i

Lately, well for the last year now....I have been detoxing myself from 'things' and the fleeting happiness they provide. That's not to say I don't enjoy buying something new or getting something new but I've really come to realize that the 'stuff' we have in our lives provides only temporary fulfillment. This discovery was made after realizing that I was relying on stuff, things of all sorts, as a sort of happiness trigger. If I can just get such and such for the house, I'll be happy. Or if I have that pair of shoes or that shirt, then I'll be happy. But sadly...I found after a year of being on an allowance and really looking at all my 'stuff' that 'stuff' in the end was just 'stuff'. It didn't provide lasting happiness. It didn't provide anything lasting...it went out of fashion or became used up or what have you and then just became...well, a donation or part of a landfill.

So then I started looking around at what did seem to keep me happy and what did provide permanent joy in my life and found that none of it in fact was 'stuff'. Matter of fact, most of it was people and what I did with those people, the time, the activities and the joy that comes from having friends and family and experiencing life with them.

Recently I was challenged about how much 'stuff' we have as Americans and all that we think we 'need' to be happy. I was challenged about the same thing I've been challenged about for the last year or so...that 'stuff' is just 'stuff' it doesn't provide anything permanent and really the money it takes to buy the 'stuff', the house, the things would be better suited helping others who have no food, water or shelter.

I live a blessed life...undeservingly so...after all I'm among the top 1% of income earners in the world. Baffling.

I'm not saying we can't have nice things but recently I started a new saying around our house..."If we don't need it, if we aren't going to really use it, we don't want it."

And I use that now as I go out into the world and go through the consumer ritual we do anytime we go to the store...we think we need the thing when in reality, we have things at home that are just as good.

God has really been shifting my thoughts to just being contented and not living in excess. It's a slow process as any good American knows bigger is better and newer is nicer.

It's tough thinking on the other side since it's not the norm and that's not to say I don't wish for the things I don't need...I do. But ultimately as I practice contentedness, I realize I've been so far across the line for so long that reeling myself in is going to take some time. But I'm doing better than I was a year ago. I will forge ahead.

And I plan to pray that I continue to grow in this area of my life. See that giving away is better than hoarding, see that true happiness is not in 'things' but rather in people, and also to see that 'things' sort of trap you into caring for them. I want to cut those ties...time with my friends and family and traveling is really going to be the 'candy' in my life. That will be my quest and in order to do that...I need to let go of the trappings of the 'stuff'.

Let freedom ring in this area of my life.

Simple is Beautiful

2010-01-15T09:04:00.001-06:00

For several years now I have made a habit of purchasing either an Amaryllis or a cluster of Paper Whites (aka Narcissus) just prior to Christmas. It's my little tradition for myself. There's something about the growth in the dead of winter, the anticipation of the bloom, the wonder that still gets me every time- of the plant and the water and the light and how it all comes together. Mostly though...I think about God when I check the status of my plant each day...I think about the symbolism represented there...the hope.

No, I don't save the same one and reuse it year to year, although I've been told you can. I'm not a green thumb. Though I highly admire people who are such as my Aunt Nancy and my Sister. I wish I had the wherewithall to listen to what they tell me as to how I can save the same bulb year after year...but something disconnects for me when they start to explain. Sad, but very true.

I just go to Target or any good chain store that offers too much and in many varieties...and purchase one. They only run about 10 bucks and well, they're priceless to me.

Mine recently bloomed as is evidenced by my picture this morning. Caleb took interest in the amaryllis this year and we discussed it nearly every morning. He was in awe as it got ready to spring forth with color and majesty! Too dramatic? Not for him...it truly was a sight to behold.

So you won't think I'm a bit of a freak over this...let me explain a bit. And for those of you that already know I am a freak...just come with me on the jaunt. After all, you're the one choosing to read the post. ;)

When it's cold outside...things die. All the green goes out of my world and well, it's depressing for me. I'm too sensitive for my own good, but alas, in addition to the inability for me to go outside and enjoy a moment in peace....I no longer have a feast of color to feed my inner self even from my window.

So in a sense, yes, I think too much...my amaryllis or paper white is my little 'garden of Eden'...for my soul. I look at it, think about God and the detailing. I see the green, it calms me and I get this wonderful surprise weeks and weeks later when it blooms.

I highly recommend this habit for yourself if you happen to be one that enjoys having something to feast on visually when you can't make it out of doors to study the botany of our world. I wouldn't say I'm a botanist or even a gardener so much...just a very, very avid admirer.

For some it's bamboo and it's growth rate (Luke!)...for some it's particular flowers, for some it's doing the digging and getting their hands in the dirt, for some it's the caregiving of the plant, for some it's the grandiose garden they can plan and then create with spectacular displays of color year 'round based on their plant choices.

For me...it's the watching, the waiting and then.....

The Miracle.

Abba, you're too good, too good. Hats off to You.

It's only been 10 years....geez.

2010-01-04T07:45:00.001-06:00

Well, we're going skiing. I can't believe it's been 10 years and dare I say it...man, we look young in this photo. I'm pumped to hit the slopes again and secretly hoping I don't injure myself ;). I can't handle injury and well, it'll mess up my running. You should see how funny I am when I wear something with a heel on it to anywhere that has stairs. I know I look silly taking my time but stairs and I don't get along often. Just take a look at my medical records. I've tripped up and down them, several, several times. Then there was the dog that totally...well, anyway, weak ankles. A story for another time.

We head to Angel Fire this year and I've never been there. I used to be somewhat of an avid skier. I skied nearly every year. Not to the extent that my Sis did who actually lived in Colorado right out of college. Man, was she smart...but I did go as much as a Texan could aspire to.

I'm really excited about this trip though...really excited.

I'm in my almost mid 30s now and it's suddenly striking me that although I'm loving my 30s far more than my 20s...I'm aging. I am. I am bound and determined to take the attitude that that is a beautiful thing. But man, we get bombarded with so much air brushed, botoxed garbage, rail thin, anorexic looking stuff it's hard sometimes. I have one grandmother who has taken age in stride she's 85 and another who since I was a very little girl told me (she's 86), "Megan, don't ever get old." I used to think at that young age, I want to, I want to grow up. We're always in a hurry at that age...but now I sort of get what she means...but I'm still not going to start up with the complaining. Sure, I'd like to improve some things, who wouldn't. But come on...we could all be in plastic surgery until the cows come home and then what...we look like Joan Rivers? (Sorry Joan, sorry but you did go a bit overboard)

Anywho, I'm hopping off that soapbox. I plan to age gracefully and happily. I just hope to be healthy and active...and do what God intended which is live life.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

That's all.

Man...I can't get over how young we look. :)

Trappings

2009-12-16T07:24:00.009-06:00

I find myself gushing with tears often this time of year. It happens at the oddest of moments. From Santa at North Pole City telling the true story of Christmas to standing in line at some store hearing a sweet Christmas song come over the speaker system.

It's a bittersweet time for me and my family.

But what's causing most of the moisture, however, is the simple fact that God, Himself, came to Earth, put on the trappings of His creation and walked among us.

I've taken some time to study other religions on my own over the last few years. Mostly because I just felt a little shattered by life and because well, I really needed to do it. I should have done it long ago.

I still clung to my beliefs and felt inherently that I was a follower of Christ and that His works in me from the tender age of seven, were most definitely true.

However, I needed to see what all was offered and what those offerings entailed.

While my search or journey was not exhaustive, it was very valuable indeed. I firmly hold that every Believer should not follow blindly. I subscribe to the idea that for myself, a relationship with God unexamined is not a true relationship at all. All believers should know what they believe and why they believe it over everything else and all other choices.

Everyone should be schooled on what the world has to offer in alternatives so that they can defend the truth from a truly educated perspective. I think you see a lot of this in the New Testament as Paul does his best to speak to all peoples.

But I won't get on my soap box about that and I most certainly am no expert.

But nonetheless, no other religion claims what Christianity does nor does it offer what Christianity has to offer. None. Nada...zip and most certainly ZILCH.

I know that God is ever present, drawing every living breathing human being unto Him...but I also know the trappings of having been raised from a very young age to believe what I hold to.

I always wonder how it is that the miracle of He - can draw people out of darkness. The darkness that they themselves are immersed in culturally, socially and within the tight knit walls of their families.

Being raised Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist...they hold to their beliefs just as strongly as I do out of what they absorbed from the time they took their first breath. The conversions of others not raised in a predominantly Christian culture is a miracle I find most fascinating and mysterious!

But from what I learned in my search...no other religion or belief system offers a god that comes to the earth, that loves people so much that he (or even she in some cases), would become just as vulnerable as they are. There's a sort of an other worldliness about most religious systems with the human beings separate, the god being too good for them and the requirement that the human to aspire (most unsuccessfully) beyond what he or she is capable of in order to come into their presence.

Basically, the whole concept of GRACE is missing.

And without Grace, there's no hope whatsoever if you ask me.

But Christianity, has this spin against what they offer. It offers Jesus, who puts himself in the form of a tiny baby....the most fragile of all forms of humanity and lives life through our eyes. It's really and truly EARTH shattering news!

It causes me great and deep awe to think of Jesus being born to Mary who was more than likely around the age of 15. Not to mention the scandal Joseph may have had on his hands with a young wife, pregnant by another before their wedding day. Have you ever thought about what the punishment was for her being in that state? Most certainly it was death by stoning.

How strong they must have been and how ever-present the Spirit had to have been in their day to day lives in order for them to endure and triumph.

I think of all the circumstances from the government in rule at that time, to the mishaps that young parents find themselves in with their first born and how from the outside Jesus' arrival was by all appearances was a very complicated, controversial, and cataclysmic event.

Yet the Lord was hovering over every detail, protecting, providing and fulfilling His purpose.

All of this just deepens my tenderness towards Him. He was an artist putting Himself in His own painting I've heard it said. (Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew) It's unfathomable!

Whenever I hear, Mary Did You Know? or Silent Night. I can't help but feel the rush of emotions causing me to want to cry my eyes out. When I stop to think of my own sons and how tender the relationship is. I think of being in Mary's shoes and how priceless this time is as I watch them grow bit by bit into what will one day be grown men.

I cannot help but stop and think of Mary feeling the same about Jesus. Proud over his first tooth, his first words, his first steps, ready with hugs when he falls, helping him learn, seeing him grow into a strong young man...

All these thoughts come home to me this time of year and while the grandest fact of all is that He died to pay for my sins...you can't dissect the path and the journey that led Him there. The mere fact that He became nothing for my sake...

How could He do all this for me?

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death-
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of the Father.

Philippians 2:6-11

Have a very Merry Christmas this year....I know I will.

LOVE AFTER LOVE

2009-12-07T16:53:00.001-06:00

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger that was your self,
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

CJ is what she'll always be to me...

2009-12-02T11:22:00.004-06:00

FB disturbs me sometimes. Mainly because it'll throw an ad up that says I haven't chatted with Cindy (my roommate from OBU) lately...it asks me to post something on her wall. When the truth is, I can't talk to Cindy anymore...well, not in a two way conversation.

Cindy passed away this Summer unexplained. It could have been a number of things but so far it's "inconclusive". Whatever that means.

Cindy and I had just reconnected on FB. We'd gotten busy in our lives, in our marriages and with our children. We hadn't spoken on the phone since Ethan was born. Yet, I knew Cindy still.

Cindy and I did a lot of growing up together those 4 years at OBU. Went through broken hearts, happy times being free from a curfew and the woes and triumphs of college life. We liked being together and we hardly ever fought. I can only think of one occasion that we did and it resulted in no sleep because we stayed up in our dorm room until we had it worked out.

I'm sad now and then thinking of the hole she left behind when the good Lord took her up to Him this past Summer. But I also know, where Cindy is, she is whole, nothing can hurt her and she's happiest realizing her faith was true and her reward is seeing things with Him now.

But I do miss her. I know her family misses her even more. Cindy, if you can read this, I love you and I can't wait to see you again...have a Merry Christmas, your most favorite of holidays. What a way to spend it this year!

I broke my own rule...

2009-11-24T13:38:00.001-06:00

Typically, I'm a stickler for not doing the Christmas thing until Thanksgiving has been properly celebrated. This year, I decided to bend the rule a bit and we put the trees up this week. And guess what? I'm going to even go further and set up my tree downstairs before THANKSGIVING. That's right, call the presses! I can't help it, with a living room and furniture and a place to celebrate Christmas this year and open presents just like we have a house...I'm all a twitter with delight and holiday cheer!

The house is really starting to come together...I'll have to blog some before photos soon when I have some time to hunt them out and sort them. It's been a long road but finally I have somewhere to let people sit and visit.

Next on my list for Santa, new dining room table and chairs....good thing I know Santa so very well! :)

Some Semblance of Normality

2009-11-24T13:35:00.004-06:00

We finally have furniture in our house. Granted it won't be staying in this room once the den is finished and granted there's no TV in this room to view as you sit on the furniture...but hey, I'm very happy!

Also we need some decor and curtains and stuff but for the most part I can tell you, I'm just thrilled after 2 years to have my furniture in my house and have a place to set up the tree that isn't surrounded by tools, multiple paint spots and bare woodwork, all is well and Christmas came early for me as far as I'm concerned. Rick ROCKS!

The Results Are In

2009-11-16T09:14:00.002-06:00

I am thankful to God that I have a husband that can do all sorts of things. I'm proud of the work he puts into our home and has put into our other homes. But everyday I do pray that God will convince him that just because he can, doesn't mean we should anymore! :)

Rick put a lot of work into these two rooms this weekend. We sanded, vacuumed, sanded some more, primed, painted and well, there were a whole lot of other steps...but I don't want to bore you.

Way to go, Rick!

Wet Paint

2009-11-13T08:46:00.000-06:00

If' it's possible for me to have a woman-crush, I do. I am absolutely falling in love with The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond. http://thepioneerwoman.com/

I love her blogs, her recipes and her personality most of all. She lives on a ranch, so jealous. She rides, travels, cooks, has children and pets of all sorts and is the funniest thing ever.

When I grow up I want to be Ree Drummond. That's all I can say.

Ethan's endless pursuit of lab ownership is about to drive me crazy yet, I understand. I think I was much this way about hamsters just prior to graduating to horse ownership. My campaign was long and hard if I recall and ended successfully. I suspect Ethan's will too. After all, every little boy needs a puppy.

Never mind the insisting that Santa doesn't carry live animals for fear they will urinate on the presents, fight or fall out of the sleigh. Never mind the explanations that we have 2 perfectly good dogs.

My first mistake was rescuing the lab we found wandering aimlessly in our yard one morning. My second mistake was letting him play with it for the 24 hours we had her. I did my best to explain the golden rule and how we would want someone to take care of our dog had she gotten loose and lost. But nonetheless, this was inevitable.

Caleb on the other hand is full of all kinds of spunk these days. The kind that makes me realize I never knew stubbornness and sass until I met him toe to toe over something. He reminds me of myself a bit but a little to the extreme. Probably because he's male.

I swear I don't know what to do with him and it's keeping me and God pretty tight these days. I don't know if I've got a James Dean on my hands or the next President of the US, but he's got his own thoughts on just about everything. One minute he's the sweetest and most thoughtful three year old you ever met and the next he's instantaneously inspiring grey hairs.

We are getting closer to paint in our front two rooms So close I can smell the paint. So close it's almost time to think about what to hang on the walls once the paint dries. So close I can almost envision the furniture I don't own but wish to own to put in these rooms. That's what happens when you double your square footage...you got room but no stuff. I don't even know if I want more stuff but I do want the room. Especially the closet space if you've read my blog on 'totes'.

Time

2009-11-09T07:29:00.000-06:00

I just returned home from a weekend away with girlfriends. I feel blessed beyond measure to have these women in my life. Women I can pour my heart out to, laugh with, and be myself with.

It was nice to get away with no demands on me to do anything other than what I wanted to. I slept, I watched girl movies, I read and read and I even took a run too in total silence. We gabbed and snacked, shopped and discussed life...it was the best of times.

On the ride home, I started to think about my life and where I've been and what I've done. The choices I've made and the people that now surround me and I was overwhelmed with just how good God has been to me. Although Texas will always be where I wish to be, Oklahoma is a good fit for now. I have two sets of wonderful girlfriends up here that I know would do anything for me and I for them. I have a beautiful home (although still in process), a beautiful family with an amazing man, and a wonderful life.

Not everything is perfect. I wouldn't want it that way and not everything is smooth sailing but for the most part this is a very sweet season in my life. I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. This year has been relatively quiet and peaceful and Caleb is starting to really get excited about Christmas. When the light comes on for the little ones, it reminds you what it's all about!

We plan to go to Graham for Thanksgiving and see everyone for the first time in a long time. I cannot wait to soak that up and be with everyone. I miss my cousins and my Aunt and my Mimi. This is a precious time of year to me and I feel that since this year has been quiet and easy for the most part...this holiday season will be especially meaningful for us.

Life is good.

Fahrfegnugen

2009-11-02T16:00:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling lost without a trip to look forward to. I know this sounds odd but I have to be going somewhere...somewhere else nearly at all times. This will make sense to those closest to me and certify to those that know me only somewhat that I am insane, completely.

Rick and I have been back at the traveling drawing board. There's lots on the board these days. A simple ski trip (haven't been in a decade which is so wrong), Disney World, India (always in my mind) with the church, Vancouver with the church to work the 2010 Olympics...ENGLAND...or smaller trips. Then there's Cambodia which for some reason I don't feel called to so much anymore...

Personally I want to do all and for very different reasons. But when you have 2 small children and one that is in school, you have to really think this through.

I know it's silly and a great problem to have...but nonetheless, I need to be planning something. Rick keeps leaning towards Skiing this year and possibly England the next...I need England again, I can't explain.

2009-10-07T14:25:00.000-05:00

Why I Stopped Serving the Poor

by Claudio Oliver

Those who know me may find the above title curious, to say the least. Being with the poor is part of my history: My grandfather and grandmother were founders of the Salvation Army here in Brazil, and their ministry is a central reference point for my family. Their life was dedicated to the homeless, prostitutes, and in a special way to the orphans, the hurting and the renegades.My teenage passion was consumed by the idea of fighting against poverty, hunger and injustice. Since I got married, 25 years ago, I have been involved in serving in slums, serving poor students, coming alongside needy populations, in peripheral neighborhoods, the beggars, the unemployed and other moneyless people.

I could report facts to support my pretensions over the years such as having helped “the poor” generate income, facilitated the restoration and organization of broken families, made bridges between rich and poor, fed the hungry, and facilitated the opportunity for some friends to discover professions, find their vocation and transform their own future. To “empower” people was once a key point in my practice in order to avoid creating dependency.

After all of this, or even because of all this, today I am called to question my whole life of “service” and to give up on serving the poor.Asking “Why?”Throughout my life I have kept the habit of always asking myself whether what I am doing makes sense, whether my heart is aligned with God’s will, and whether or not I am missing the point. This discipline, is essentially the Three “Whys?” Rule. It forces me to question each given answer with the kind of question that only children ask, and which helps me to generate a permanent transformation vector of self-criticism and of personal adjustments. Thus, in each step I take, for every thing I do, I ask: “why?” Whatever the answer might be, again I ask, “why?”. I feel I am in the right path when what I am doing surpasses the third “why”, and then and only then, will I move on.

For some time now I have reflected on Jesus’ life, on the principle of kenosis (emptying) based on the text of Philippians 2:1-11. I’ve thought about Jesus’ incarnation into our reality and into the numerous contacts and conversations he had with miserable people such as the lepers, and rich people such as the publicans, the synagogue chiefs and princes of his people; how he spent time with middle-class families, with proprietors and with servants and beggars.I have reflected on what Jesus saw and how he acted.

The “Rich” and the “Poor”And all of this started to grow in me and made me think about the text in Matthew 5:3 where Jesus tells the poor to march on with their lives and rejoice for being poor, because theirs was the possibility of having their lives driven and controlled by God. Little by little, over these last few years, along with biblical reflection, I have observed how many extremely sincere friends come and go, getting very excited about serving, but soon afterwards loose their passion for serving as they get busy with their errands and preoccupations. Frequently, I also see how others pay for someone else to fulfill God’s loving service. They engage with the poor vicariously through others during certain periods of time, moved by real sincerity, even if from a distance and without personal involvement.

From another perspective I see how poverty takes over the lives of those who are poor, and how much it reveals their unfulfilled desire to own things, and have access to modern consumption – the destroyer of everything. I see how their situation is built by the seduction of the same things that seduce and destroy the rich: the same individualism, the same selfishness, and the same tendency to feel comfortable and find their identity in being able to own things. I see their same absolute adhesion to a hoped for lifestyle and a way of thinking that imprisons them to the myth of modern needs, to the mythical desire to evolve and come under in complete and un questioned submission to the myth of modern development.Without exception, rich and poor have the same conviction that what they need is something that the market, money, the government or some other agency can offer them. They are all convinced that they will be happy with ownership, with a full stomach (some with bread, others with croissants) and with the constant flow of money that can seemingly do anything and solve everything. And among this massive majority, there are a few well-intentioned people who extend their hand to “include” others into the lifestyle or the platform they achieved.

The stretched-out hand from top down…that’s what we call service.

Giving Up on Serving the Poor
Over the years I’ve discovered that the very position of serving the poor from a commitment to “liberate” them, has been filled with a sense of superiority. A kind of superiority that is translated into giving others what I have, assuming through my actions that what I have or do is what he/she should have or do. This subtle translation is noticed in the subtle arrogance of the so-called politics of “inclusion”, always trying to put the other inside the box where I live, including them in the sameness of my lifestyle.All of this led me to give up on serving the poor. By making this kind of statement I am not taking sides with those who, from their positions of wealth, comfort and well being say, “See? That’s what I have always thought.” I’m sorry to inform these people that in no way do I believe in or embrace their lifestyle. A lifestyle that by design, separates them from contact with the poor, the sick, the hungry, the naked, the ugly, the smelly, and the “uncivilized” barbarians.I do not side with those who pay their taxes or contribute to charity saying in that way they are fulfilling their role. To these people I keep on retransmitting the message of Jesus that confronts their blind, insensitive and arrogant lifestyles, a message that calls madness what the worlds calls security. Seeing Ourselves in the Poorest of the PoorI have given up on serving the poor for another reason.Since 1993, when I regularly went to the streets with a bunch of kids to reach out to the homeless, I developed a spiritual discipline. On the cold nights when we would go out to the streets of my city, I made a point to the kids that we were not going out to meet the “homeless” or the “needy”. I would tell the kids that in all honesty, I never really ever felt excited about serving bread to a homeless beggar, or making him or her a bed, or clothing their nakedness. The spiritual discipline we instated was to constantly use the motto “we go to meet Jesus in the poorest of the poor”. Serving, feeding and clothing Jesus was our motivation. Now, that excited me.We discovered each time we went out, that in each of these encounters with a camouflaged Jesus, the so-called “Miserable” would be transformed into Masters - into those who denounced our personal misery, and who were transformed into unveiling agents of our manipulative mechanisms.

We suddenly saw ourselves mirrored in the very “poor” we were serving. We recognized that we were constantly using the same excuses and lies to get what we wanted - perhaps more successfully, and surely with more social acceptance and security mechanisms. But throughout this process we came to discover that we were “the poor”.

Those of us who experienced that spiritual perspective were freed of ourselves. We grew, and we changed. Confronted by Jesus and taught by him through the contact with his poverty and misery, many of us discovered what the Gospel (good news) really meant. During those days, many of us were transformed by Jesus’ touch and by the good news that he transmitted as we discovered ourselves as “the poor”.

An Alternative to “Serving” the Poor
However, this somewhat mystical sense of awareness was not always a constant burning flame. I would so often return to that worldly perspective to serving the poor, letting myself believe that I was the healthy, privileged helper, many times forgetting my own misery. As I have already mentioned, the alternative is not to stay away from the poor, judging their conditions, circumstances and attitudes from a top of my comfortable superior social position. Nor is it helping the poor, by raising their own awareness of their situation or “including” them in an unquestioning submission to the development politics of the last 60 years. The alternative I present here is different, discovered through encounter, recognition and identification.I’ve given up on helping the poor, given up on serving and saving them. I have rediscovered a hard truth: Jesus doesn’t have any good news for those who serve the poor. Jesus didn’t come to bring good news of the Kingdom to those who serve the poor; he brought Good News to the poor. He has nothing to say to other saviors who compete with him for the position of Messiah, or Redeemer.

God Shows Up in Our Need to Be Healed
Jesus’ agenda only brings a message for those who recognize themselves as poor, naked, hurt, tired, overburdened, needy and hopeless. As for the rest, his agenda has little or nothing to offer.

The only way to remain with the poor is if we discover that we are the miserable ones. We remain with the poor when we recognize ourselves, even if well disguised, in him/her who is right before our eyes. When we can see our own misery and poverty in them, when we realize our own needs and our desperate need to be saved and liberated, then and only then will we meet Jesus and live life according to His agenda.

God is not manifest in our ability to heal, but in our need to be healed. Finding out this weakness of ours leaves us in a position of having nothing to offer, serve, donate, but reveals our need to be loved, healed and restored.Herein lies the meaning that the power within us is not the power of our strengths, abilities and wealth, but rather, in the power that is present in our personal misery, so well hidden and disguised in our possessions and false securities. As Jean Vanier says in a book I recently read. “We are called to discover that God can bring peace, compassion, and love through our wounds.”

How much more sense does Isaiah’s text about the Messiah make now: “by his wounds we are healed”. The remaining messiahs of this world tend to avoid Jesus’ example of emptying himself (kenosis) to the point of becoming one of us, of dying with us and thus opening the door of resurrection for us.The power that Jesus used to heal us, and uses to keep on healing us, does not reside in his access to universal power, but in his identification with us on the cross; in opening himself in wounds, in becoming one of us, in living our life.I have given up on serving the poor. I’m going back to encountering the poor and finding myself in them. Again, I have discovered the misery that hides in the very-well structured lives of my own false security. Seeing things from this perspective helps me understand this Jesus who talks with lepers and wealthy businessmen, with tax collectors in their parties and with the sick and miserable on the streets. In his identification with each and everyone, Jesus saw what perhaps no one else did: the extreme misery and poverty of the human condition, apart from any status or social gown.Serving from the Bottom-UpI came to re-encounter my poverty, to see myself in each situation of misery, and to get in touch with my inner pain. From there, I pray for healing, freedom, community and love. I ask for mercy and restoration.Whoever serves out of the sense of having something to offer, serves from the top down. Jesus calls us to become incarnate and to see ourselves in the other and to place ourselves under him or her as powerless dependents. He calls us to give up in trusting our own capacity to impart goodness and to change our direction in order to encounter and recognize our own wounds, weakness and pain. From there, we discover the power that lies in being less and not more.I have given up serving on the poor. I have rediscovered my poverty. And with it I can cry out again: “Son of David, have mercy on me.”

About Claudio Oliver: Claudio is a pastor of Igreja do Caminho church in Curitiba, Brazil. He is also a Red del Camino Network connector, both in the Brazilian Network and the regional Latin American Network movement.

Sheer Joy!

2009-10-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

A Few Observations

2009-09-24T08:22:00.001-05:00

It's amazing to me that my head is so full of words sometimes that I feel like I'm going to pop. Seriously, I spend a lot of time writing in my mind...most of which never makes it to paper or the blog.

Lately, there are scenes in my mind and thoughts that are random at best and now is the time to spill.

I'm curious about this man that lives off of 152 in Mustang. He has a bit of a man cave in his garage. It's just about every night you'll find him in there. Garage door open. TV on. Piddling. I think to myself. What does his wife think? Where are his children? Some nights though, his kids are riding their bikes and he's still in there, watching TV and piddling. It's funny to me how many men need man caves. Men must have this wiring in their brains that causes them to have to have some space from time to time. I don't get it. Personally, I prefer company...unless it's early in the morning, then watch out!

I love Burt's Bees' Pomegranate lip balm. No, seriously. I have a love relationship with this stuff. I smear it on my lips at least 3 times a day if not more. It sleeps in my ash tray in the VW and is the best stuff ever. Well, Chicken Poop lip balm has a close 2nd but the fragrance of the Burt's Bees well, is the bees knees!

I'm feeling rather excited about how God is moving in our Women's Ministry. The like-mindedness that is coming out in our leadership group is blowing my mind. When it first started, I had to sort of hold my breath. I was hearing all the words and dreams that I had held for the last 2 years...but I was feeling that odd sensation you get when you run your finger over a scar. I didn't want to hear the words or the dreams because I remember the pain I felt when things didn't come to fruition over the last 2 years. Yet, now I see what God needed from me then. I needed to see a lot of things that He was only able to convey and teach in the desert. I'm pumped though! Now, it's just having the courage to step forward and ask permission to proceed...but I'm sure God's got that handled.

Well, it's official. Both of my parents are married and happily so. I'm happy for both of them...yet, I still lament what was lost when the divorce came to be. Every night I glance at picture of them on their wedding day that I have propped up on a picture frame on my bedside table. I look at their young faces so full of hope and dreams. I think on what they must have been dreaming and know that they never wished this upon themselves. Time can be cruel.

Recently, we started a study called iMarriage by Andy Stanley. It could not have come at a better time...it's really stretching Rick and I. It talks about how we all come into our marriages with a box full of desires that then become expectations...desires as to who does what and so on in the marriage. Unfortunately, having expectations leads to a sense of entitlement. When your spouse fulfills your expectations, they've merely come up to par or broken even. There's no sense of gratitude at that point...because they're just doing what they're supposed to do in your eyes. I've done this. Rick goes to work each day and takes care of the cars, etc. So what? That's what my Dad did and that's what you do....not so. This study calls us to get rid of the expectations and see that actually your spouse doesn't OWE you a thing...what they do is a gift. Life changing stuff here...and that's just the tip of the iceberg, week 1 of the study.

Yesterday I was listening to Willie Nelson...one of his older songs, probably from the 50s? It sounded like something from the 50s, is he that old? I mean he's looked old forever but is he? Anyway, I was in Rick's car which explains Willie and my mind drifted off to how life could have been different. What if I had been born a man? I know it sounds crazy but just roll with it. I pictured myself a man and as I caught sight of a man in a big old truck with his hand dangling out the side...I suddenly was transported to a dusty back road in Graham or Young County, just outside city limits. I pictured that if I were a man, I would like to have been a rancher driving a big truck that was always dusty from driving on gravel and dirt roads. I would wear dusty boots and have a really nasty cowboy hat. I'd listen to old country songs and constantly drive in my big truck with my hand dangling. My hands would be rough and I'd wear crusty old jeans. I'd be all about taking life slowly and enjoying the moments as they pass. And I'd have a horse to wrangle my cattle with. Life would be good. Just a thought that passed through my mind on its way to nowhere.

VWs have a very distinctive smell when you turn on the heater. It's the same no matter the age of the car or the model. Last night, the boys wanted the windows down and I was cold. It's really turning out we're going to have a Fall season this year. So I switched on the heat and that sweet smell hit me like a ton of bricks. It was awesome! It reminds me of OBU and chilly nights in the car making a late night Bell run or just sitting and talking in the car. Good music and friends.

Remember when good music was your best friend in the car? I really miss those days. Now, I have to play 20 questions when I get in the car. Not the official version, the Ethan version. I know I'm just paying for my raisin' but sometimes I have to tell him specifically, I cannot do the 20 question thing today Ethan...no questions. But he always ignores it after a few moments of silence. Oh well.

Thanksgiving

2009-09-16T07:26:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to spill some thanksgiving today....

I am thankful for.....

1. Will, he makes me smile and laugh and I love him immeasurably

2. Rick...he loves me in ways I can't seem to wrap my mind around

3. The boys, they're happy, healthy and normal

4. Coffee is a God send and I will never abandon my addiction

5. My little VW, she's not snazzy but she's mine and she's a VW so that makes her wonderful

6. Fall, we're actually having Fall this year and I love it...need to transplant some mums

7. My house...although it's a major project...it's gonna be great and I'm blessed to have it

8. Libby and that she lives so close...it's wonderful that our children will grow up together

9. That my parents are both alive and healthy and happy

10. For the prospect of another trip to Europe...Prague or Paris, still debating!

11. Kindergarten, it's saving my life in the afternoons

12. Friends, I have so many and they are all wonderful

13. Sleep and books, my two favorite past times

First Day and Death by Light Saber

2009-08-21T07:34:00.000-05:00

Caleb is becoming quite cautious these days!

I was so proud of Ethan...no tears today from Mommy.

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

2009-08-19T10:01:00.000-05:00

Libs handed me a book. It's been a great read. Here's some snippets to whet your appetite:

"The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of cloud."

Now, granted this more than likely a thought birthed from the speaker's (Pi Patel) Hinduism but for the Christian it is more than true.

"There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless."

"...people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of the heart."

This book is an interesting twist of story and theory. The man, Pi Patel, whose story it is confesses, he is a Hindu, a Muslim and a Christian as a child. I have yet to see if that theme continues in his adulthood. However, I cannot argue with his response when his parents insist that he must choose. He simply says, "I want to love God."

Et tu'?

Folders, Pencils and Markers, Oh My!

2009-08-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

I'm headed out the door to do my first bout of school supply shopping since I was a Mom. It's official. I keep trying to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. After all, this means we have to stick to a schedule and I'm not much for that - much to Rick's dismay!

I'm excited though. School supplies are always a wonderful thing to be acquiring. I can remember even the glory of buying spiral notebooks, pens and my books for college. Granted you paid through the teeth but still...it was always fun!

We just returned home from the lake where I neglected to get any pics. Lib has some and when I finally get them, I'll post. We had a good time! I got some serious Willie P time and the kids had a blast riding their scooters, fishing, taking the boat out, swimming and playing in the volley ball court's sand! We had a wonderfully relaxing time with the Poseys.

Ethan's party went off without a hitch and he was very pleased! Everyone had a good time with cake, ice cream and swimming. I'll post those pics when I find the camera.

I started my running regime. I'm on day 3 of the couch to 5k plan and so far mostly hurt shins but bearable. I'm just going to run through the pain, what else can I do? I have to admit. I see where the addiction comes from, as I time my bursts of running, I find that I look forward to those jaunts moreso than the walking part! I'm hoping I will be able to run the entire 5k I'm training for in October...we'll see!

Reading

2009-08-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

I have been silent not by choice. My computer is dying and I have resorted to having it looked at. The result is my suspicions are correct. I'm too cheap and lazy to truly want a new one. Yet, getting it repaired is a pain as well.

Summer is coming to a close and I cannot believe I will be sending my first little one out of the nest into the realm of the school system where he'll be influenced by others in a way never before. I trust he'll do well and I trust I'll get over it.

I've been reading books like nobody's business lately. This summer I've been a reading fiend. Finished the entire Twilight series, disappointed. Did 2 Donald Miller Books. Reading James Herriot's All Creatures Great and Small as well as Lisa See's Snow Flower and the Secret Fan which is currently holding my attention more steadily than the former book. I'm just about done with it. I picked up all my Barbara Kingsolver books from their tote and yet, cannot seem to get back into her books. I've read them at least twice and well, twice is enough.

So I found a new site called www.whatshouldIreadnext.com and I think that'll be my compass from here on out.

Not much else is new in our world.

Branson or Bust

2009-06-24T12:11:00.000-05:00

Helicopter Ride: The Highlight of the Trip

The End Result

Marvel Cave at Silver Dollar City

Caleb's Reactuion when we told him we were going home today

A Bridge

Go Karts

Mommy sticking it to the Man

Determined

Daddy and E Bumper Boats

E on the Trampoline Jump

The Flooded Mine

Shoot Out

Believe or Not: We just Arrived

They Just Took Off

Hangin' by the '55 Chevrolet

Cakes and Cream

Helicopter Ride: Caleb's First Time Up

White Water

Splash A Torium at Our Hotel

I'm Ready, See!

Just Jump!

We're Ready for the Pool

Be in the Moment

2009-06-16T07:30:00.000-05:00

It's already half way through the first month of summer and time feels like it's flying! We leave Saturday for a short trip to Missouri. After months of talking myself in and out of various destinations, we settled on Branson. It's kid friendly with lots to do and cheap! Cheap being the best part in Rick's mind.

We still trust that GM is going to keep his dealership open despite our best guess that nothing is for sure. Alas, Rick reminds me that God is in control and who holds us...but I can't help but wonder what would happen if that trial was dealt us.

However, I have very little time to think on that. With Ethan giving himself a hair cut and Caleb's incessant need to be outside...who has time to worry about the big stuff? After all, it's the small stuff that keeps one's life a buzz.

Today, we're headed to the zoo. And then back home to try and clean some more and work to get the house organized before we leave. This morning, Rick announced to me that he'd really like to declutter and give some things away and have the house just so before we leave so we, and I quote, "Don't' come home to a messy house."

Ha! I thought to myself...that'll be interesting to try and accomplish but I know he's right.

It's times like these that I really lament the fact that we're not planning some wonderful trip to some far off place to get lost in another culture...just the two of us again.

I'm always hoping for the next big thing to distract me. Sometimes I fall into a bit of a funk over the day to day...and then I remind myself...there are millions of people out there who wish they only had it so good as myself and my family. If not billions...

I took some time to reflect on this the other night. I have so much to be thankful for...from where I was born, to when I was born, to whom I spend my days with and what I spend my days doing. I don't live in fear of my life or not knowing where my next meal will come from. I have healthy children and many wonderful luxuries at my disposal. And while I'd like to be a globe trotter, I'm not in a season of my life where I can easily do that. I have the next generation to raise and two little men at that!

I recently heard some one mention that they have trouble with being regular, ordinary. I think that's one of my biggest struggles actually. And if most of us would take the time to admit it, I think we'd find that we all wrestle with this. Setting ourselves apart if only in our minds can become a major distraction if not obsession. I'm always trying to get to a certain spot where I feel content. When we finish the house, when I get this mastered, when I find out this piece of information, after I take this trip, when I stop doing that or we get to this level...it's all a lie.

Contentment is in the day to day moments and the love of your life at THIS moment. Not forward, not backward but in the present. Be in the moment.

Be in the moment. That is something I repeated to myself throughout my entire wedding ceremony. I wanted to be in the moment. And I was. What a tender moment it was! But why did I have to remind myself to be present? Simply because there was so much to be overwhelmed by! Maybe that's the problem...therein lies the truth. The focus has to be clear. Be in the moment each day...celebrate what today has to offer! Don't look behind, don't look ahead...take it step by step and be in the moment, for truly this moment is all that I have.

Summer Goals and the Glad Game

2009-06-02T07:36:00.000-05:00

Goals for Summer 2009
1. Purchase and read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
2. Visit the pool as much as possible this summer
3. Exercise at least 3 days out the week
4. Some sort of mini trip with my men
5. Mixing up the menu...new recipes
6. Finish painting the bathroom completely
7. Finish out newly acquired guest room
8. Move into kitchen
9. Continue working through The Heartache No One Sees, it's hard work!
10. Try to make the best of each day home with the boys

Glad Game (Thankfulness Exercise)
1. I'm thankful for a husband that is so concerned with being a good provider
2. I'm thankful for Will, he makes me smile and fills that baby fever need
3. I'm thankful I have happy, healthy children that have the wherewith all to drive me nuts regularly
4. I'm thankful I have good, good friends that love me
5. I'm thankful that I have people in my life who tell me the truth about myself when I can't see it
6. I'm thankful I have transportation, a home, a husband with a job and my health
7. I'm thankful that after almost 17 years of being on Blood Pressure meds, my doc said I could get off them and miraculously, my BP is on the low side of normal
8. I'm thankful that I get to take a nap when I need to, it really is heaven here on earth for me
9. I'm thankful I had a good childhood with loving parents who took the time to make sure I was well rounded and knew I was loved beyond compare
10. I'm thankful for the lightning bugs that come out in droves each evening in our yard, there's something magical about that time of night

A Formal Occasion

2009-05-27T20:47:00.000-05:00

Will and his Nanny

Will laughing at his Nanny, this child laughs all the time

Ava having to just reach out and touch her beautiful reflection

Ava got quiet, I found her here admiring herself in her "pretty dress"

Too Sweet.

She really did think this was all about her...and we let her!

Me coercing Ava to actually smile!

Mom and I were actually child care back up...

Ava's Visit

2009-05-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

Ethan with Chinchilla

Caleb feeding Lemur Zoobamafoo an apple

Ava holding Precious the Cockatoo

Ethan holding Baby Kanga

Feeding the Baby Kangaroo Jack

Baby Red Kangaroo

Ava with Cockatoo

Caleb with Snake, Totally Fearless!

Will's first visit to the OKC Zoo

Ethan with life size T Rex

Our Visit to the Zoo

Gratitude

2009-05-12T08:14:00.000-05:00

I want to publicly thank Stef and Kelly and my hubby Rick for cohercing me gently into quitting my little side job of transcription and focusing on this short yet very sweet time of the boys lives fully!

It was hard to let go of the extra cash and yet it feels good to know that all I gotta do is focus on caring for my boys. Rick has wanted me to stop working the side job for a long time and finally I caved! It could not have been more freeing! No more deadlines, no more distractions....life is good in our 'hood.

This is where we are isn't it?

2009-05-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

An Excerpt from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller

The Golden Cow

"When the church began to doubt its own integrity after the Darwinian attack on Genesis 1 and 2, we began to answer science, not by appealing to something greater, the realm of beauty and art and spirituality, but by attempting to translate spiritual realities through scientific equations, those justifying ourselves to culture, as if culture had some kind of authority to redeem us in the first place. Terms such as "absolute truth" and "inherency" (a term used only to describe Scripture in the last one hundred years or so) became a battle cry, even though the laws of absolute truth must, by their nature, exclude ideas such as Jesus is the Word, He is both God and Man, the Trinity is both three and One, we are united with Him in His death, because these are mysterious ideas, not scientific ideas.

In fact, much of the biblical truth must go out the window when you approach it through the scientific method. God does not live within the philosophical science He made, any more than He is bound by the natural realities of gravity. "

And it goes on....

This book is rocking my world...more than any other book I've read in recent history. I implore you, yes implore you to read it, Friend.

Egg Dyeing

2009-04-27T08:30:00.000-05:00

Ava before her complete attention was given to her uncanny efficiency at the process...

Little Momma and Little Will

Using all his senses...

Ethan's Star Wars Egg Fighter Something...ah, whatever

Easter at BB's

2009-04-27T08:24:00.000-05:00

What feeds you?

2009-04-27T08:07:00.000-05:00

I know it sounds way too introspective, but what feeds you?

Yesterday as I headed south to Libby's. I flipped my car into manual transmission mode. I love it that this car has both. I got to really thinking about how I like to push a car to its limits particularly in a standard. And it suddenly came to mind, what are things that feed your true self? The activities that bring you to life and make you feel truly alive? What gives you that burning sensation in your chest that you're touching upon something that brings the blood rushing?

Everyone has them. The boys were particularly quiet playing with Star Wars toys in the back seat so I let my mind wander as I ate up the miles to Chickasha. Going 81 always has its perks. Being that it's a two lane highway through farm land always sends me introspective on myself. And also the fact that you can sort of "experiment" with your vehicle without too much concern for the po po. ;)

So I thought of how others feed themselves, their inner selves...Rick loves to create and recreate with his hands. My Dad loves to EXPLORE anything and everything, walk, hike...I have friends who love photography. Libby loves to PAINT....My Mom likes to do graphic design. It all feeds who they are in their core.

Here's my list:

1. Driving a stick and making the machine work at my bidding

2. Riding a horse and being in sync with this large animal, talking without words

3. Walking alone in a pasture and stopping to hear and see but only in Graham for some reason

4. Reading something challenging and inspiring, thinking on it, applying it

5. Studying God's word and seeing it's seamless story

6. Taking time to stop and really study something and learn in a museum, whether art or exhibit

7. Taking just the right photograph and getting lost in the view from the lense

8. Travel and silence, taking in a place that is not familiar in the least, hearing the noises, the people, the smells

9. Garden work, uninterrupted, digging and planting, pulling and taming

I was telling Rick yesterday...about this concept and something I gleaned from thinking on it. I was a bit surprised to notice that I tend to feel most myself with independent activities like those I've listed above, many of which involve getting lost in my own moment.

The experience isn't corporate although I like company. But part of me is very in tune with time that is just me. Maybe this is why there are times I get so crazy being at home with the kids that I want to just run. Maybe this is why there have been many times that I've just pulled away from others...from a sense of feeling smothered or too in demand. I tend to return...but it's cyclical. I tend to sort of wax and wane. It's good to have time to one's self now and then. Truly it makes me a better giver to give this to myself when I can. It also calls me to a deeper understanding although not perfect and many times tainted of who I am and how this whole world comes together. Many times I feel God in a way not easily defined. It's like the whole things from Chariots of Fire...when the Eric says he runs to feel God's pleasure. That really really speaks to me.

Could it be that God is all of our personalities rolled into one...that He pours into us His own characteristics and likes and dislikes and that each of us is a piece of Himself in this way...the desire to feel speed and control, the need to talk without words, the seeker of beauty, the explorer or what have you? I certainly am convinced.

2009-04-21T07:35:00.000-05:00

I just learned that a friend from High School who I had recently become "friends" with on Facebook was found dead in his apartment Monday by his parents. It's shocking and rather upsetting. And I can't help but blog about it.

Keith along with Tom who was killed in a car wreck a few years back were in all my classes, in band and in my life throughout high school. Keith and Tom liked to tease me in band.

Keith once wrote I love Mary Megan King inside a band locker and freaked me out. He loved to argue and laugh with me on a regular basis. He and Tom got a kick out of teasing me and getting me all stirred up. I can remember many such encounters in the band cubby hole closet. I can still see them both towering over me being annoying.

Honestly, it does bring me to tears even though I hadn't actually spoken to either of them in years. I had just posted something on Keith's page recently and was waiting to hear back from him. I signed it Molly. He used to call me Molly after Molly Ringwald even before I started wearing my hair short.

He was an odd cat and devilishly funny, witty and quick in speech. He liked things in a way that was different than the average human and was underestimated many times when I knew him. He was Keith. I am saddened he's no longer here.

Santa Maria Novella

2009-04-15T07:20:00.000-05:00

On this day last year, here is what I was taking in. Oh, I can't tell you how my heart aches for that. To relive every moment over...okay, not every one...there were a few moments I'd rather forget like the one involving changing and the window but we won't go there!

Mostly, just the other worldness of it all was the best part. The newness of every little thing, the food, the people, the every last detail that was unfamiliar.

This is Santa Maria Novella. I realize the pics aren't the best but I was taking shots with no flash out of respect. This is a working church in that it is open to the public and people are members here. How special to sit and worship where people have been worshiping for hundreds of years. Think of the traffic of people that have gone in and out of those doors.

This church did not have the same racy past as the Duomo with it's assassination attempts and the like, it was quiet and sweet and I couldn't get over the black and white which apparently was a cutting edge design at the time. The man who designed the interior was young and wanted to create a special effect by doing it this way; he wanted to create distance in your eye by putting the contrasting colors. I could whip out the book and explain it but I'm not in the mood.

It was just breathtaking, breathtaking is all I can say.

The Universality of it All

2009-04-15T07:12:00.000-05:00

The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
Day unto day utters speech, And night unto night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.
Their line has gone out through all the earth,
And their words to the end of the world
(Psalm 19:1-4).

I've questioned God plenty in my life. In fact, I know that He loves me extra special because of it. My faith initially was something I took based upon what was given to me from birth. But as I aged particularly in my late 20s and early 30s I really questioned hard.

But one thing speaks for itself and it's the universal language of man: Creation. How can one not look around and see the intricacy of everything around us from the veins on a leaf to the habits of the pets we hug on?

It still blows me away when I take my faith down the very lowest level: the seen!

2009-04-08T07:31:00.000-05:00

Today we go to pick up Little E's enrollment stuff or what have you. I really have no clue what we're doing other than what Kelly told me to do which is go up there and pick afternoon or morning kindergarten. After much ado about nothing, I really have settled on afternoon. It works best for the flow of our lives. Ethan has grown up on me in the blink of an eye.

Yes, Folks, I know he's only going to Kindergarten but this will forever change life, we are no longer just floating around like a bumble bee stopping at any flower or garden that looks interesting. We have a purpose, a direction, an obligation to be somewhere during the school year and if we don't stick to their schedule...uh, we get in trouble *wince*!

My little boy is going to be school age now. Oh, how I love him so and look forward to all he's going to learn! I'm so proud of him and his over analytical, over verbal and over intense ways...he is gentle and sweet and loving and caring but can be bold and brash too. He is my baby.

Yea Ethan!

A simple statement

2009-04-08T07:27:00.000-05:00

I stole this from my bud Amber's blog...it's good.

We are not here to fix, change or belittle another person. We are here to support, forgive, and heal one another.

-Marianne Williamson

God has done a work in me in this department; these words easily could have been the theme for my life over the last several years! I think it'll take a lifetime for me to see that this truth and to go forth and do it consistently, but nonetheless, encouragement indeed!

Now what can they say to yours?

Don't knock it until you try it....

2009-04-01T07:32:00.000-05:00

When I was little girl...well, I didn't think I was so little but I was...I used to love to watch Pollyanna. I watched it regularly on Sundays after church. I had all the lines memorized, I can still quote a few.

My point is though that she played the "Glad Game". Basically, in order to keep her focus on the positive, she would point out to herself or anyone within earshot things she was glad about rather than sad. It's a a good movie for anyone that enjoys just a pure little story. I recommend it...

But anyhow...what I gleaned here recently as this random memory came to mind was that really to have proper perspective being thankful for what God has given is not only a way to worship Him but it's also a great way to see His hand in your life.

There are times that I want to run because of the bulk of blessings that I take pleasure in simply because it seems odd that I have them and much of the world does not. There are times that I find myself caught in the trap of feeling dissatisfaction over what I have. I know it's normal and natural...but the glad game just helps you dispel all of that. It keeps the focus proper. It reminds you that God provided and therefore your blessings are His gift to you, not a gift to yourself.

Anyway...I'm going to play the Glad Game now and then on the blog.

Here's my list from yesterday, things I'm glad for:

1. Ethan's enthusiasm as he explains Star Wars. It's tiring at times to hear it over and over as he reiterates the details of each character and their roles but at the same time as I listen, I'm glad to know he's this capable of expressing himself and this intelligent to have all this stuff memorized.

2. The man I was stuck behind in stop and go traffic which since I was childless, I enjoyed the rush hour hum drum. He was driving a cream colored Mini Cooper...had two, not just one, phone ear pieces...is that normal? And yet, as we slowed down over and over, he rolled down his window to tell the man next to him that his left rear tire was low. He cared. He didn't have to and from all appearances could have very well been too busy to care, but he wasn't. He did and made that known. I was encouraged by that.

3. For Caleb's comforting ways. Caleb told me last night after I gave him a pep talk over the noises he hears while sleeping in his new big boy bed...I explained how big God was and how God protects him every day. Later in the conversation, he reassured me just out of the blue that "It's all right Mommy, you not be scared. God keep you safe." How precious the words and the message!

4. I'm glad for friends that I can be myself around. Last night we had "date night" with two other couples from our small group from church. There were no pretenses present. We could do, act and be ourselves, even the crude and tacky parts of ourselves. We're family. I'm glad I have them!

5. For trash men aka garbage collectors. I'm glad we live in a country where someone comes and takes away your rubbish. I try so hard to do what I can to keep that down to a minimum but regardless, when they come and take the unwanted garbage away, it's a blessing, it truly is.

6. For my Rick. He takes care of me even in ways I never fathomed I needed caring for in. He stays level headed and steady. He's forgiving to a fault and he's definitely in touch with the need to bend and give in our relationship. He's also one of the most obedient people I know when it comes to God's hand sculpting something new in his life.

2009-03-31T07:32:00.000-05:00

Mr. C has officially graduated from crib to "Big Boy" bed...it was such a smooth transition that I'm still leery of it!

I'm so proud of everything he does, great or small!

Britcoms....

2009-03-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

Rick and I have a little tradition that started before we were parents and so now sometimes we have to DVR the programs...but each Sunday night we pile into bed and watch the Britcoms that PBS offers. It generally starts with Keeping Up Appearances...Rick usually "passes out" just after As Time Goes By but I always have to finish up with the Vicar of Dibley.

Last night we were watching and I mentioned again my dream to live a few years in another country. I really think (for now) I've settled on the idea of England. We can live there as I've explained to him for a couple of years between the boys having college and actually having grandchildren...and enjoy life!

The more I watch International House Hunters and the more I read books on those that have decided to tackle this from Peter Mayle to that other guy...oh, what's his name? I think, this is on my top ten list for things I want to do before I am called home.

Having spent the equivalent of only 3 weeks (give or take) in London and surrounding areas in my life, I can say it truly is one of my favorite places on the planet. Granted, my traveling has been limited compared to a lot of people but for some reason I instantly fell in love with the British culture upon my arrival. Although I don't think I'd choose London to reside, too expensive, too big and too much...would be nice to have speedy access to though.

I'm not claiming to know the ins and outs of anything over there but a chance to live over there would provide some semblance of what we know and yet much of what we don't with access to the rest of Europe. The hint of mystery is part of the draw!

Last night's House Hunters International was a British couple seeking a home in Spain and while I did fall in love with their selection and it's "love nest" qualities as well as the price tag! Very reasonable in my opinion! I still don't think I could just pop into a culture where English is not the primary language. Call me lazy but if I'm going to jump headfirst into another culture and "set up camp" so to speak for a few years, I don't think I want the language barrier to be part of the equation.

And after all, I can take a quick jaunt down to Paris, Rome, Madrid, what have you just that much more easily calling Great Brit home!

It all sounds like pipe dreams...I know. But I'm quite serious about it all.

And let me add, I do love that Dame Judi Dench!

Don't kid yourself

2009-03-30T07:36:00.001-05:00

Yesterday evening it suddenly became clear to me that not only do I teach but I am taught. What I mean by this is that I felt God whisper how He's helped teach me so much as I try to teach my children.

I got to really thinking about it last night after everyone had found their beds. With Ethan, I learned so much being that he was my first...I learned the basics, how being a stay at home mom really was my calling in life and how to verbalize everything in a more basic way so that he could understand. I learned so much about how God loves us in the simple facts of the relationship. I also learned what it was like to be a kid again, something I didn't realize would be part of the process of becoming a mother.

With Caleb, things have been slightly different. I knew mostly what to do when he was a baby and even though he presented new challenges because well, he was new...I had most of it down pat. But yesterday I found myself reassuring him about how to love himself and how smart he is and things I know I did with Ethan but for some reason it struck a chord with me. I heard God whisper "And remember this about yourself as well, Child."

For those of you that have followed me a long time via my prior blog, etc. You know I struggle as I believe everyone struggles with loving myself properly under God's perspective. Recently, an elder in my Bible Study small group pointed out to me and the rest of the crew that as Baptists we've been good at reciting "Once Saved, Always Saved" but we truly struggle with the truth that that also means "Once Loved, Always Loved." She really hit this on the head for me with that statement.

How keen is it that as mothers we go about teaching the next generation to love themselves as God does, to take care of themselves and to see the world properly according to His plan but sometimes we miss the boat in taking our own advice or rather His advice!

This weekend I will go away with some dear friends and attend the Statewide Women's Conference and from there we'll spend the weekend in Tejas just for fun. I've felt like I didn't deserve this time simply because of the economy and other odds and ends reasons. But I was wrong, I need that time. I need time with my girlfriends. God has blessed me with that opportunity and I must take it.

I know in the past I've written much about this internal struggle. The balance between loving one's self and being what I call "selfish" about it. It's a delicate one. I'm still learning. More than anything though, I'm seeing that seeking Him first on the opinion I am to have on myself is truly the greatest resource and reservoir for this struggle.

More like brother and sister

2009-03-30T07:34:00.000-05:00

Libby and crew spent some of the weekend with us. And as usual, these two found many ways to entertain themselves. I think the picture speaks for itself.

2009-03-26T07:39:00.000-05:00

Kelly sent out an email with pics from when our play group first started meeting...and this one popped up on the screen and I lost it. Look at how little he is. My BAY BEE is all I could think, okay, I said it out loud (too verbal for my own good, trust me!).

He's all grown up and though I swore I'd celebrate every rite of passage and not ever wish their little lives away (Thanks for that advice Mimi!)...I find that although I'm thrilled Ethan is going to Kindergarten in the Fall because he desperately needs the learning and exploring all that that brings...I still cannot believe it's here!

Sometimes I have to force myself to stop and listen as he rambles on and on about Star Wars which I used to think I liked but now...now that he's completely obsessed with it, I'm not so sure...and yet, here he is in this pic...so small and so fragile...God is so good to reward us with these gifts. Not only do we learn so much about them and the world by seeing it through the eyes of a child a second time, we also learn so much about who He is and how He sees us. This truth still blows me away....

I am truly blessed beyond measure. My baby will be 6 this summer. And last night when I said..."Babe-O time to go!" after soccer practice concluded and the other little boys on the team started teasing him and calling him "Baby" "Baby Ethan", I realized...time to stop that and time to start embracing him as a little boy and respecting him as such.

He didn't flinch but it was a moment for me to realize...he's growing up! And I'm rather proud and amazed at who he has become in such a short, sweet time.

2009-03-25T09:56:00.000-05:00

Our Creative Side

2009-03-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

The boys wanted to create their own clipboards because Mommy's with butterflies wasn't too cool. Ethan went with Batman...Caleb despite heavy encouragement from me for John Deere, Classic Cars and Motorcycles chose....Halloween. Mom assured me I needed to let it go. And later explained, we should know it's his favorite holiday simply because it's all about the candy.

Sand Angels in the Tranquility Garden

2009-03-17T07:27:00.000-05:00

Our week in Texas...a few pics of The Men...some time in a garden. Time with Kimbo and her gaggle of kids at her home.

We're learning something.

I love doors, gates...anything about passing through.

Caleb took the leap.

Ethan of course is a Jedi Master...

Peace. Oh, I like bridges too...so much symbolism there.

Feeding the Koi

Pointing, as a King family member, you must know how to properly point in a picture.

Saying Cheese...

Comin' at ya Mommy

At first I was put off by this then I decided to see the humor.

Caleb gets the camera for a bit.

Luka practices...Nadia wishes I would stop snapping her pic.

Kimbolinee and her sweet Nadia and Luka.

It's Amazing to Me

2009-03-10T07:09:00.000-05:00

Ethan is the funniest little guy and I've been told he's too precocious for his own good and just a smidge overly gregarious (much like someone else we all know and love).

For years now, he's awakened to the tell me either something about what we were talking about just prior to him going to bed or ask to start back at a project he started before he "passed" out.

This morning, he walked in and said "Hi Ju-Mommy." And then quickly told me he was ready to finish the picture he was coloring for Merrell's house.

Recently, Rick and Ethan built a smaller scale version of our house per Ethan. It still sits ready for her to occupy and is waiting on a door. Ethan of course has moved on to the most important part in Mommy's eye, decorating.

Last night, I laid in bed after E's first soccer game and got a little anxious. What will I do when another female enters his picture? What will I do when he stops trusting that I know what's best? What will I do when his sphere of those he listens to expands such that Daddy and Mommy are no longer tops?

I decided finally to resign to just praying about it and turning it over to Abba and going to sleep. What can I do? Nothing really.

First Game of the Season...ahhhh!

2009-03-09T19:40:00.000-05:00

Got Paint.

2009-03-07T22:03:00.003-06:00

See Little Merrell...she says "That lady and her camera!"

I have to brag on Rick for a minute...shh, don't tell him! ;) Everything you see he built from scratch. Yes, from scratch. We redesigned this kitchen, originally this had been the breakfast/dining room for the house, hence the window issue you see in the pics. We will be remedying that shortly. He and I cooked up the layout (with the help of Kelly and Libby) and our past experiences. He designed the extras and I said, "Looks good" a lot. Although we are still not done and we still have some tweaking, I'd like to say JOB WELL DONE. My man is a man...I always call him a Renaissance man and this is why, he's talented in so many areas, this being one of them.

Yet..and here comes the disclaimer, after this one, I think we're done for a while! I recently overheard him telling Ethan..."We've found a house we can live in a while..."

(I suspect this was more for his own ears and not Ethan's because Ethan has only moved once in his life) and "We're going to stay put!"

Music to my ears!

And of course, to Rick's I am well convinced.

Got Paint?

2009-03-07T22:03:00.002-06:00

Daddy and E, the family that works together, stays together

Little E sanding

Little C priming

The sheer chaos of it all

Gotta Prime...It Saves Time

Welcome!

2009-03-07T22:03:00.001-06:00

I've decided to shrug off the old and put on the new....so now we have a new and improved and family packed blog on the goings on in our house...from the remodel, to the boys, to what have you...